Posted in August 2011

The Resolution Project Book Forty-Seven: Infinite Jest (1996) – Part Two

This is the second part of my review of Infinite Jest. Here‘s the first part, and here‘s the third part.

“The man tended to look up at him like people with legs look up at buildings and planes. ‘You can of course view entertainments again and again without surcease on TelEntertainment disks of storage and retrieval.’

Orin’s way of looking up as he remembered was nothing like the seated guy’s way of looking up. ‘But not the same. The choice, see. It ruins it somehow. With television you were subjected to repetition. The familiarity was inflicted. Different now.’” (p. 600)

The Resolution Project: For my New Year’s resolution this year (that being 2011), I decided to try and read all one hundred of the novels picked by Time Magazine as the best since their inception in 1923 to the list’s publication in 2005. I exempted myself from reading ones I’ve already read, leaving some eighty-six or so to read before the end of this year. Some spoilers may lie ahead, so be warned if you’re the type to be bothered by that.

Yes, It's Long

This is my second quasi-review of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. The first cane be found here, and an entertaining and completely unexpected detour incurred while reading can be found here. If you want a brief synopsis of the book and what it’s about, check out my first article, although as you may have heard, Infinite Jest is not something to be taken lightly (literally: my shoulder is sort of sore now from carting it around in my bag for the last two weeks). I can only imagine what the book would have been like to interact with in hardcover…

- One of the truly tragic things about David Foster Wallace’s suicide, which is really impossible to keep out of your mind when reading the book sometimes, I’m sorry, is how well I think he’d have fit in with the technology we have at our disposal today. Infinite Jest is pretty much a hypertext book already, what with the extensive use of footnotes, so I can’t help but imagine what he could have done with something like a wiki. One of the only things I’ve ever read that approaches this use of the actual physical form of the text (i.e. that the footnotes/endnotes are actually an integral part of the page/book as a whole) would be Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next books, which even do Wallace one further by having characters escape the main text and take refuge in a footnote. I can see why people are disenchanted by the continual turning to the back page, though. If Infinite Jest is ever converted into a digital form, not just put on e-readers but actually converted, you could avoid this problem somewhat by having mouseover tooltips replace some of the endnotes, but that takes away some of the comic timing the book possesses, which is equivalent to waiting a beat after an action occurs, and then telling you the punchline.

One Of Our Thursdays is Missing Cover

- Part of what makes the book so engrossing, yet difficult to read is the amazing amount of world-building Wallace did when constructing the O.N.A.N. As I mentioned last time, the really great books are all to be read in their own way, and Infinite Jest is no exception. As like A Clockwork Orange where I didn’t really have any trouble following the use of nadsat speech, here I can still follow most of the idioms and different names for drugs and things like that. Unlike Clockwork, which used words from other languages mostly to form a pidgin speech, the way people speak in Infinite Jest is rich with symbolism and metaphor, and somewhat addictive. I’ve been thinking of the word “map” with regards to one’s face/life a lot more recently, and while it’d be nice, I’m pretty sure that Bob Hope, Bing Crosby et al. probably aren’t slang words for drugs in my area. One can still dream though.

- Check this out!

The Joke movie poster

This is a movie poster done up for one of James O. Incandenza’s art films. The guy’s website is http://pooryorickentertainment.tumblr.com/, and he’s done a whole bunch of other ones. They’re one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen, equally as cool as the Decemberists music video I posted about last time. Go check out the site, there’s some excellent stuff on there. What is it about this book that brings so much out of people? I feel like it is, like I noted above, a combination of the amazing work Wallace put into the world of the book, along with the amount of time and effort you need to put in to read it. I’ve only ever had this sort of relationship with a text a few times, most notably when I read Gravity’s Rainbow a few years ago. Infinite Jest is a lot easier of a read than Rainbow, though, with the possible exception of Wallace’s intense use of ten-dollar words. This must be akin to the feeling religious people get when they read the Bible? I’m normally a very quick reader, so spending more than a week or two on a book is a little different for me, combined with the fact that it is actually a bit difficult to take this book anywhere due to its size.

- One thing I’m really hoping for/dreading at this point in my reading (I’m on page 682 as of today) is whether or not we end up going to see the Concavity/Convexity. Maybe it’s the horror fan/sci-fi nerd in me (go look at the name of this blog again), but I really want to see giant babies wreaking havoc over a blasted hell-scape. I want to see the bugs that have grown to human size and have since become responsible house owners in formerly human communities like Troy, NY. During the sequence in which Poor Tony is forced into heroin withdrawal and lives in a dumpster, you know I really felt for the guy and all, but deep down I wanted to see him launched through the air on a garbage catapult into the Concavity, just so we could see what that place was actually like. Sort of like an event that happens in Gravity’s Rainbow, not to give any spoilers away. It might still happen, but I’m increasingly worried that Wallace is going to pull a Stephenson and end the book inconclusively.

“TINE: Absolutely not, Mart. No way a downer-association-rife term like refugee is going to be applicable here. I cannot overstress this too assertively. Eminent nondomain: yes. Renewal-grade brand of sacrifice: you bet. Heroes, new era’s breed of new pioneers, striking in bravely for already-settled good old settled but unfoul American territory: bien sûr.” (p. 404)

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The Resolution Project Detour Three: Eschaton and The Decemberists – UPDATED

Eschaton music video

Sometimes coincidence is amazing. I just finished the Eschaton sequence in Infinite Jest last night, and was thinking of writing a blog post about how much I enjoyed it (the sequence). It looks like it’d be a fun game to play, probably a lot easier now too with our advancements in computer technology over the years. Maybe Apple could put out an iphone app for the game, with calculators to help you figure out civilian casualties and fallout spread.

I was even thinking about describing the game, for people that have never read Infinite Jest, but now I don’t have to! In an amazing coincidence, my favorite band, The Decemberists, has teamed up with Michael Schur of Parks and Recreation fame, to direct a music video for their song “Calamity Song”. Lead singer Colin Meloy was one of the people involved in the Infinite Summer project a few years ago, and he plays Michael Pemulis (you can tell by the hat and the yelling).

The music video is, as far as I can see, pretty much an exact replica of the ill-fated Eschaton game, minus the snowfall and weed-smoking (maybe). Check it out at the NY Times website here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/23/arts/music/michael-schur-directs-decemberists-video.html?_r=1&hpw. I’ll post a youtube version as soon as it becomes available.

UPDATE!: Here’s the full video from dailymotion:

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The Resolution Project Book Forty-Seven: Infinite Jest (1996) – Part One

“Like most North Americans of his generation, Hal tends to know way less about why he feels certain ways about the objects and pursuits he’s devoted to than he does about the objects and pursuits themselves. It’s hard to say for sure whether this is even exceptionally bad, this tendency.” (p. 54)

The Resolution Project: For my New Year’s resolution this year (that being 2011), I decided to try and read all one hundred of the novels picked by Time Magazine as the best since their inception in 1923 to the list’s publication in 2005. I exempted myself from reading ones I’ve already read, leaving some eighty-six or so to read before the end of this year. Some spoilers may lie ahead, so be warned if you’re the type to be bothered by that.

Infinite Jest cover

This is going to go a little differently than my normal book reviews. Since Infinite Jest is so big (not to mention so amazingly good), I’m going to split my posts about the book up into 4, maybe 5 rather than one big one. Also, since I’m only about a third done (again, there is a lot of stuff going on in this book that I’ll probably only really have a handle on by the end), this post’ll be more like stray observations concerning the text rather than any sort of grand review.

Infinite Jest is a chronicle of the near future, where individual years have been subsidized by the O.N.A.N. (Organization of North American Nations, i.e. the United States and Canada, most likely Mexico) to raise money. So instead of say, 2011, you get something like “The Year of the Whopper”, or “The Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment”, which most of the book takes place during, called Y.D.A.U. for short. Surprisingly, this doesn’t get old, and it’s pretty funny actually to see how, say, academic writing deals with the shift in years. There’s a fair amount of academic papers strewn throughout the book. The story mostly takes place around the Boston area, with some excursions (so far) to Tucson, Arizona. It looks at the lives of young men and women training at E.T.A., the Enfield Tennis Academy, an elite tennis/hard science prep school, and it also looks at recovering Substance-abusers at the Ennet House and Alcohol Recovery House (sic.), which is just down the hill. Some important people are: Hal Incandenza, a tennis prodigy and habitual marijuana smoker; Remy Marathe, a potentially treasonous member of Les Assassins des Fauteuils Rollents, a hard-core Quebecois separatist group whose gimmick is that they all use wheelchairs to get around; Don Gately, a worker at the Ennet House with a history of breaking and entering. There’s a ton of people in the book, that’s only a few of them.

- One of the main themes that links the groups of people whose lives are attached to either building is the condition of being overly interested in oneself and not so much the world around you (there’s a pretty good reason why North America is now called O.N.A.N.). The lives of the young tennis prodigies revolve around tournaments and grueling training regimes, while the drug abusers down the hill are primarily concerned with taking stock of their personal inventory and trying to beat the disease that has gotten its clutches into them. One of the best examples of the solipsism that has taken over the future, not to mention one of funniest parts of the book so far, is an examination of the societal impact of videophones on O.N.A.N.ian culture. Wallace takes us through the history of videophony, the machine being hooked up to your TV and computer as part of one entity called a “TP”, or teleputer. He shows us how human vanity gets out of hand when it comes to the videophone, starting with masks users can wear instead of maintaining their faces at all times, then whole body cutouts you can stand behind, the whole thing culminating in little dioramas that fit over the TP camera, giving the illusion of a lovely house with beautiful people in it. Finally most discerning users just turn the video part off, but some less discerning types still use the dioramas (and are looked down on for it).

- There must have been a zeitgeist thing going on in the early nineties where authors were starting to become concerned with the idea of “entertainment-as-weapon.” Fellow Time 100 List book Snow Crash (1992) takes its name from a computer virus/designer drug that makes people into zombies and has the potential to be an Omega-level species ending event, while Theodore Roszak’s excellent Flicker (1991) deals with the dissemination into the mainstream of the works of an obscure German filmmaker whose overpowering nihilism makes people check out of life. “The Entertainment” that James Incandenza produced as his last filmed work must have come out of this idea, D.F.W. is such a smart guy that I’m sure he’d read or at least heard of these two books as he worked on Infinite Jest. The twist Wallace throws in the mix is that the Assassins des Faulteuils Roulents are basically using it as a way to distinguish themselves from their hated O.N.A.N. enemy, as these proud Quebecois apparently have so much more to live for than your average American, who’ll choose to spend their whole lives in pursuit of frivolity and mindless entertainment. Quoth Marathe speaking to his handler from the O.N.A.N. Office of Unspecified Services, M. Hugh Steeply:

“For your walled-up country, always to shout ‘Freedom! Freedom!’ as if it were obvious to all people what it wants to mean, this word. But look: it is not so simple as that. Your freedom is the freedom-from: no one tells your precious individual U.S.A. selves what they must do. It is this meaning only, this freedom from restrain and forced duress.” (p.320)

In other words, O.N.A.N.ites deserve to get turned into zombies by the “Entertainment”, as it is the ultimate expression of how they choose to waste their precious freedom by sitting around doing nothing. It’s a shame, though, that Wallace didn’t live long enough to see what I believe is the real entertainment that could doom us all, cat videos on Youtube. Celebrate the end of the world with me, won’t you?

- I’m glad to see that James Incandenza’s dad shares my opinion of golf: “Golf. A golf man. Is my tone communicating the contempt? Billiards on a big table, Jim. A bodiless game of spasmodic flailing and flying sod. A quote unquote sport. Anal rage and checkered berets.” (p. 163). I’m surprised to see how much I’m enjoying learning about tennis, though.

- I’m also learning a lot about doing drugs. So far my favorite drug-related conversation comes when Pemulis, a student at E.T.A. comes across an incredibly dangerous hallucinogenic named DMZ. The description made me laugh out loud at work: ”One monograph had this toss-off about DMZ where the guy invites you to envision acid that has itself dropped acid.” (p. 214). A love of pharmaceuticals is another thing that the E.T.A. sequences share with the rest of the book. For all of the difficulty I had getting through the unblinkingly difficult to parse Ebonics in the second Poor Tony and C sequence, which starts on page 128, (I had to read it out loud to Lady E., because my brain was getting tired every few lines, note not sentences, lines, it’s basically one long run-off sentence, so thanks to her for helping me through that rough patch) it really laid the groundwork for what daily life would be like as a junkie. They say that great books, the truly great ones, teach you how to read them as you go. This is especially true, I believe, for Infinite Jest. Where something like this sequence could have just been an anecdote to provide “local colour” in a more disconnected work like The Berlin Stories or The Golden Notebook, there is a huge payoff from the sad story of the cross-dressing junkies. Through them, you learn about the Boston Common drug ecology, who’s selling what and where, and you also get a necessary counterpoint to the relatively benign drug habits someone like Hal Incandenza (one-hitters) or Michael Pemulis (‘drines) has. It shows you what’s at stake.

- The saga of Joelle van Dyne, the Prettiest Girl of All Time, is probably the most emotionally affecting thing I’ve read so far, with the potential mention of every time Mario Incandenza shows up. It, along with the basic fact that, yes, this is sort of like Hamlet at a tennis academy, what with the stepfather moving in with Hal and Mario’s mom before their father’s body’s really even cooled, is the most tragic story in the book. I think the first time I tried to read Infinite Jest I must have given up somewhere around her suicide attempt, as it is one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching pieces I’ve ever read. That, coupled with the fact that she’s sort of a non-entity at this point and it is only later that we find out where she fits in with the Incandenza family saga made it very hard to read it was so sad. If I had to compare it to something for a non-reader to understand, I’d say it’s sort of like if Gaspar Noe’s film Enter the Void was condensed down into about thirty pages of sheer desperation. People who’ve seen the movie can chuckle now, as they know it could probably have used some judicious editing, but the situation is very similar in both works; a junkie remembers their entire life in the moments leading up to their imminent demise. Here’s the opening credits for that movie, as they’re sort of amazing. Listen to them really loudly, in a darkened room if at all possible:

I’ll have more on Infinite Jest next week. Here’s a quote.

“Certain far-right fringes in Alberta weren’t too pleased, but not much pleases an Albertan far-rightist anyway.” (p. 311).

I wish this wasn’t so true, and that there weren’t so many of them around in real life.

For the second part of my review of Infinite Jest, go here. For the third part, go here.

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The Resolution Project Book Fifteen: Blood Meridian, or the Evening Redness in the West (1985)

“The wagons were no more than embers armatured with the blackened shapes of hoop-iron and tires, the redhot axles quaking deep within the coals. The riders squatted at the fires and boiled water and drank coffee and roasted meat and lay down to sleep among the dead.” (p. 153)

The Resolution Project: For my New Year’s resolution this year (that being 2011), I decided to try and read all one hundred of the novels picked by Time Magazine as the best since their inception in 1923 to the list’s publication in 2005. I exempted myself from reading ones I’ve already read, leaving some eighty-six or so to read before the end of this year. Some spoilers may lie ahead, so be warned if you’re the type to be bothered by that.

Blood Meridian Cover

The back of my copy of Blood Meridian says that it follows the fortunes of “The Kid”, a young man who runs away from Tennessee and ends up near the U.S./Mexico border looking for work, finding a bloody task set ahead of him indeed. The novel is based on real events that happened at the end of the 1840s, as bounties were placed on Indian scalps by Mexican authorities, and the Kid ends up throwing his lot in with John Joel Glanton, a mercenary Indian-killer. “Captain” Glanton travels with Judge Holden, a mysterious psychopath who is gigantic and hairless, and apparently a polymath. Over the course of about a year or so, the Kid, Glanton and the Judge kill Indians, Mexicans, basically anyone who gets in their way in order to reap scalps and treasure.

I’m finding it difficult to summarize Blood Meridian in any meaningful way, as it is almost entirely narrative-based: things keep happening, over and over again without giving you any time for reflection over the events that occurred. In this respect, it’s pretty much the spiritual opposite of something like Theodore Dreiser’s An American Tragedy, which features less in the way of plot and more thoughts and agonizing over whether or not to do anything (granted, a lot of the agonizing is over whether or not to kill someone, but still…).

McCarthy never uses quotation marks, which is okay for when one or two people are talking to each other, but when you get more than that it can get confusing. It does give the conversations the feel of being “pulled from myth” by not having them be constrained to a specific person and time, which I can get, but for someone who enjoys reading well-written conversations like myself it’s a little irritating. McCarthy has said he doesn’t like the little marks “cluttering up” the page.

In this respect though, I can see why Hollywood has taken a shine to Cormac McCarthy’s style, with No Country for Old Men working out especially well a couple of years ago. By eliminating any sort of interior monologues or philosophical meandering and having the book instead be the depiction of a series of events, the book ended up reading more like a record of historical occurrences than anything else. This would in turn be easier to adapt to film than, say, a less straightforward postmodern piece like At Swim-Two-Birds or Gravity’s Rainbow, no matter how cool I think both of those books would be as movies. Who cares about conversation if this is the case, as the story is more about what the people are doing, rather than what they think, or who they are.

I read a lot of historical accounts that felt like this when I worked at a museum in my third year of university; my task there was to learn more about the N.W.M.P. men who built the fort that eventually became my hometown. They dealt with all sorts of amazing, unbelievable stuff during and after the Great March West; not the least of which was the first execution in Alberta’s history, that of “Swift Runner”, a First Nations man who was convicted of killing and eating his family, which come to think of it is something that would not have been out of place at all in Blood Meridian.  I’ve even read that like No Country, All the Pretty Horses and The Road, the book might be adapted into a film as well, which seems hard to believe, as it shares more DNA with something like Salo or Tokyo Gore Police than it does with most Western movies. The extreme violence is definitely one of the most important parts of the book, and to excise that from the narrative to ensure any rating other than an NC-17 would render the meaning of the whole exercise null and void.

I found it exhausting to read this book because it almost never took a break. Not only were there very few lulls in the narrative action, what little time not devoted to murdering people or riding around on horses was allocated to philosophical treatises from the demonic Judge, who felt a need to fill his fellow murderers in on his solipsistic philosophies of dominion over the earth around innumerable campfires. Blood Meridian taught me most that one of the things I like when reading for pleasure (which, rest assured, making my way through this list still has this in mind) is narrative efficiency, which it didn’t really feel the need to demonstrate.

As I noted above, the characters are alternatively murdering, raping and pillaging, riding around forbidding countryside, smoking meat or sleeping. The quote that started this piece is a fairly good indicator of how every day goes for the group, which has an odd tendency to fall asleep inside smoking relics of dead civilizations, or recently-murdered wagon trains. McCarthy also feels the need to inform you of every kind of grass, or shrub, or tree, or weed that the characters walk past, like we’re all scholars of the flora that populated the border between the U.S. and Mexico at this time. The book has a curious mix of absolute banality piqued with occasional bouts of over-the-top violence and Biblical-style proclamation. At times, it read like (and many people would probably get angry about this comparison) a very well-read person attempting to summarize what they did moment by moment in an open world video game like one of the earlier entries in the Grand Theft Auto series, before they started getting good at developing characters.

Grand Theft Auto 3 screenshot

“The man stole a car. He drove the car past garbage cans overflowing with effluvia and newspaper; the last printed words ever produced by a dying civilization that no longer had any need for them. He ran over some people as he progressed towards his objective, the Ammu-Nation store. At the store, he bought more bullets for his guns, then killed the man behind the till, which was difficult as he too was well-versed in the craft of murder. Wounded, the man staggered back to his car, then stole the ambulance that arrived to pick up the store clerk’s carcass.”

That sort of thing. I guess the point I’m attempting to get across here is that, yes, Blood Meridian is a good book, but it was entirely not for me. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it at some points. After <SPOILER ALERT> Glanton gets killed by the Yuma tribe and the Kid goes on the run with the expriest Tobin, I was really enthralled with his attempts to stay one step ahead of the Judge, who has at this point stripped naked (again) and is leading the idiot boy the party picked up along the way on a leash like a dog. The Judge was a fantastic character, a kind of Doc Savage of evil, well-versed in every science known to man. His hobby of finding historical artifacts and sketching them in his little book was interesting, as he destroyed the original after the sketch was complete. In the cosmology that the Judge is attempting to create, nothing now living exists without his permission, and everything that came before must be catalogued, sketched, and then excised from human memory. And if his erudition would occasionally mark him as maybe not being pure evil, he goes and say … scalps a baby, or buys two puppies and them throws them in a river for his friends to shoot at.

There were a few other characters who stood out as well. Glanton, mentioned above, becomes more and more insane as the narrative progresses. I also like Toadvine, potentially McCarthy’s attempt at a comic relief character, who has the letters H T F burned into his face, along with having had his ears docked off (potentially the inspiration for the similarly-afflicted Raven from Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash?). But the story really belongs to the party as a sort of living pestilence on the land, for the most part, a retinue that could be included as part of the train behind the Horseman Death. Small villages are for the most part wiped from the face of the earth as a matter of course, as no matter what the race of the people there, their scalps’ll bring money. When the group reaches a larger settlement, the destruction they cause is a little more gradual, starting with infesting a cantina or something, and always ending with more deaths.

There’re some images from Blood Meridian that I know will haunt me for a while: the Kid sleeping near a burning bush, surrounded by the other predatory animals of the forest; the expriest Tobin attempting to attack the Judge with a cross made of lashed-together oxen bones; and whatever it was that happens in the “jakes” at the story’s end. I don’t think it’s as simple as most commentators, who believe that the Judge either kills the grown-up Kid, or potentially just rapes him, I feel like something more mythic occurs. If the Judge is an avatar of absolute evil, and the Kid was the one person who kept even the slightest bit of good locked away inside him, maybe what happens is some sort of transference of holy power? The Judge certainly seems pleased with himself afterwards, maybe he leached out the last bit of anything approaching good from the world, and is content now to dance among the ashes. Interpretation is fun!

“He had with him that selfsame rifle you see with him now, all mounted in german silver and the name that he’d give it set with silver wire under the checkpiece in latin: Et In Arcadia Ego. A reference to the lethal in it. Common enough for a man to name his gun. I’ve heard Sweetlips and Hark From The Tombs and every sort of lady’s name. His is the first and only I ever seen with an inscription from the classics.” (p. 125)

Who would I recommend this book to? People who thought that The Wild Bunch and Deadwood were entirely too tame.

Total pages read since January 1st: 9605 pp.

Total books on the Time 100 list read since January 1st (not including ones read before 2011): 25

Next up on the Resolution Project: The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck (1939)

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The Resolution Project Detour Two: Ranking the List So Far

As a bit of a breather while I’m still working my way through Blood Meridian (and believe me, it is work), I figured I’d celebrate how far I’ve come with my project this year. So, in the same vein as my Sitting in the Dark With Strangers year-end movie review (and with a tip of the hat to Robert Bruce’s 101 Books), here’s the Time 100 List books I’ve read so far, ranked by how much I enjoyed them. Notes after the list.

The Crying of Lot 49 (read before 2011)
The Big Sleep (read before 2011)
The Great Gatsby
Slaughterhouse Five (read before 2011)
Snow Crash (read before 2011)
Gravity’s Rainbow (read before 2011)
Animal Farm (read before 2011)
Watchmen (read before 2011)
Brideshead Revisited
1984 (read before 2011)
Atonement (read before 2011)
The French Lieutenant’s Woman
Catch-22 (read before 2011)
Neuromancer (read before 2011)
A Clockwork Orange
The Lord of the Rings (read before 2011)
The Corrections
The Blind Assassin
Falconer
The Day of the Locust
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (read before 2011)
The Bridge of San Luis Rey
All the King’s Men
Death Comes for the Archbishop
A Dance to the Music of Time 1st Movement
A Death in the Family
The Confessions of Nat Turner
At Swim-Two-Birds
Lord of the Flies (read before 2011)
The Catcher in the Rye (read before 2011)
American Pastoral
The Adventures of Augie March
The Berlin Stories
Deliverance
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret
Appointment in Samarra
Beloved
Go Tell it on the Mountain
The Golden Notebook
The Assistant
An American Tragedy

As you can see, it’s somewhat heavily weighted towards books I’d read before starting the list, with the obvious reason being that I’d been interested enough to seek those books out on my own so they had some appeal to me (or I had to read them because of school). There’s probably some of the old rose-coloured glasses effect here, too. That happens every time I make a list like this.

I’ve been asked why I’m reading the books in alphabetical order, or as close to it as I can: the answer is that I need discipline to plow through some of these books. If I hadn’t have read it when I did, I might have left, say, An American Tragedy till the very end. This is something I’m trying to rectify by attempting to finally conquer Blood Meridian now, although I must say I don’t hate it with the same ferocity as I had the first two times I tried. It’s more like a seeping old wound now, rather than a fresh cut of utter banality and countless mentions of various shrubs and weeds…

So, now I’ve got to ask: what would your list look like?

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How to Convene – Comic Book Convention Etiquette and Tips

Me getting ready to convene

So I’ve been to a few comic book conventions now (as it is one of the perks of my job), and I feel I should help out some of my geeky brethren and sistren who’d like to attend one, but are potentially scared of what they’d see there. Here’s a few pointers to keep in mind.

vitamins

- on health

When attending a convention, you are willingly subjecting yourself to a full-scale assault by viruses and bacteria. It is at least as taxing to your body as being belted by cosmic radiation, but without the helpful side effects of receiving superpowers. More likely, your only reward will be the dreaded spectre called “con crud”, which manifests itself as a lingering cough and stuffy nose. Con crud is seemingly omnipresent by the second or third day of the convention, but can easily be avoided. This is why, like Batman, you should be prepared for every eventuality: pack a multivitamin for every day you’re at the convention, and supplement your arsenal with strategic deployment of zinc and echinacea. Also, Purell is a great idea, especially if you plan on greeting your favorite creators with a handshake.

- on costumes

If you’re the type to show your appreciation for a favorite comic character by dressing up, by all means do so. There’s plenty of places online that’ll help you with getting an outfit together. My advice here is for people who don’t dress up. First, be aware that your proximity to people in costume often determines the speed at which you will move on the convention floor. Avoid groups of costumes like the plague if you want to get anywhere on time, as they often have difficulty moving quickly and are magnets for people who want to take pictures. Second, while obviously someone who dresses up in the skimpier sort of superhero garb wants to be looked at to a certain extent, (I’m speaking to you especially, Power Girl and Vampirella cosplayers) don’t leer at them too long as it makes them uncomfortable. Besides, if you’re at anyself-respecting convention, there should be tons of people in awesome costumes walking around, so why waste time on looking at just one?

Grant Morrison and I

- on creators

When speaking with some of your favorite creators at the convention, it is of utmost importance to keep your cool at all costs. PROTIP: I find that drinking some cocktails beforehand will get you into an amiable, not pitiful state of mind. Never denigrate the work of other people when speaking with a creator; in the comics world, people tend to stick together. Above all else, if the creator ever gets a “deer in the headlights” expression on their face, you’ve gone too far, just say thank you and walk away.

More PROTIPS:

- Identify booths early on that won’t get too crowded based on what they sell. These might include anime publishers with huge floorspace, TV shows that no one’s heard of (and that don’t have a famous person signing at them), purveyors of extremely expensive items that you’d be out of your mind wanting to take home on a plane, video game demonstrations, etc. These booths will make excellent short cuts through the exhibition hall later on, although you might receive some flak from booth attendants, but whatever.

- If you don’t get in to see the panel you wanted, any other panel becomes extremely interesting with the addition of four or five maragaritas beforehand.

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